![]() ![]() “People declare themselves ‘a couple,’ or the relationship is very defined: we’re dating, we’re engaged, we’re married.” There may even be a legal document or ceremony that spells out what the relationship means.Ĭonversely, that’s not the case in friendships. “The expectations are different in a romantic relationship,” she says. There’s a key difference between friendships and romantic relationships that can make friendship breakups worse, says Marni Feuerman, a psychotherapist in Florida. We have mismatched expectations with our friends Get the latest career, relationship and wellness advice to enrich your life: sign up for TIME’s Living newsletter. The end of a friendship doesn’t mean one or both friends are bad people or bad friends, she says it simply means the relationship wasn’t working. There is also a common expectation that not every romantic relationship will last forever, and Kirmayer says we need to expect the same of friendships in order to normalize the experience. This can make them feel even more isolated, she says. Rather than seeking support and advice from other friends, people are more likely to keep it to themselves. Since friendship breakups aren’t discussed nearly as often as romantic ones, Kirmayer says that people in friendship breakups can feel like they’re the only ones struggling to make their friendships work. “They feel like they are doing something wrong going through friendship breakups.” “People feel like they should have this figured out, and assume that everyone else has this figured out,” says Kirmayer. We feel ashamed that we couldn’t make it work But since we don’t have a model for this kind of conversation at the end of friendships, Kirmayer says it can feel even more difficult and confusing. In romantic relationships, there’s often a conversation that signals the official breakup, which, while painful, leads to a sense of closure. “Whether it’s handled inappropriately or simply because it’s unexpected, we really don’t know what should look like.” ![]() “This can create situations where we can end up feeling hurt,” she says. And if we do decide to address it, it’s hard to know what to say. ![]() Whatever the reason is for the dissolution of a friendship, the common thread is that we often don’t know if we should have a conversation with that friend, says Kirmayer. The relationship may need to come to end because of factors outside of the friendship - like distance or differences in lifestyle - or because one or both friends have strained the bond by mistreating the other. But more often than not, she says, friendship breakups are the result of people gradually growing apart, which means there isn’t a standard conversation that ensues. ![]()
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